I’d like to go back in time and tell you about my girl problems. No, not those kind of problems! Relationship problems.
Recent conversations with a friend has brought up a lot of rage, regret, and confusion on a topic that I’ve not handled well at all. I thought I could push it all to the back of my mind and never pull the memories up again, but after sharing the gist of the story with someone else I realized that avoiding my feelings were doing more harm than good. So, here it goes!
The first person to ever break my heart was a girl. We’ll call her Jan.
Jan and I met in high school. She was a year ahead of me. We had the same friends, so it was only natural that we become friends as well. Everyone in high school said I looked like Avril Lavigne. Jan started that. She was obsessed with Avril and she said that hanging out with me was like hanging out with another version of the singer. We spent many nights riding around in her car with the windows down; blasting ‘Complicated’ and singing as loud as we could. We were accompanied by two friends on a ride one night and I remember her telling them “you have to hear her sing this!” That was the first night anyone ever told me I could sing and encouraged me to do something about it. Long ago I had dreams of being a famous singer and what Jan said that night was something I had waited my whole life to hear.
Jan was an lesbian. She didn’t hide it and no one really gave her a reason to believe she had to. We didn’t have bullies in my high school. Everyone just accepted people for who they were. Hard to believe, but that’s just how it was. So, as you can imagine, I had quite a bit of out-of-the-closet classmates.
An unfortunate side effect of a teenager exploring their sexuality openly is heartbreak. More than the usual, in my opinion. People claiming to be bisexual would jump into a relationship with someone who was gay only for them to decide five months in that they aren’t really bisexual. This happened more times than I can count. A friend of mine went through all of high school claiming to be gay only to graduate as straight. I didn’t get it. To me, it’s not something you change your mind about. It’s not something you can turn off. However this is high school and high school is about discovering yourself. What they don’t tell you is how much you may hurt people in the process.
Jan had one serious relationship and several flings before her and I began talking. Yes, that kind of talking. Talking that led to driving around singing along with Avril. Talking that led to her playing guitar and encouraging me to sing along. Talking that led to us curling up on her couch together and watching TV while stoned out of our minds. I knew long before high school that I was at least bisexual. I never told anyone. I never thought it to be something I needed to put out there. You don’t sit your parents down to tell them your straight, why should I have to do it because I’m not? My sexuality is no one’s concern, so I didn’t talk about it. Only my friends knew. Jan knew.
Jan didn’t want to be in a relationship. I did. This went on for several weeks. Everyone at school knew there was something going on, but we didn’t talk about it. We just shot smiles and lip bites at each other when someone brought ‘us’ up. Things were good. I really felt like we had something.
That was until the night I worked up the courage to kiss her. I leaned in and she backed away.
Bells, this is the part I left out when I told you this story. I’m sorry, but it hurt too much to relive at the time. Even now as I’m typing I can feel my chest tightening…
I leaned in, she backed away, giggling. She turned to another friend of ours and kissed her instead.
I fell apart. I died. I died right there in her room. I didn’t cry. I didn’t even get mad. It was like someone took my heart and pulled it right out of my body and for a moment, I didn’t even exist. I was just there in an empty room with my feelings floating around me in pieces.
Jan woke me from my troubled daze; saying things like “I can’t take a risk.”, “You may not even be bi.”, and “How do I know you won’t go back to guys?” while I stood there in silence.
The doorbell rang. All I remember is rushing to the door with the intention of begging whoever it was to give me a ride home. It was a mutual friend of ours from school. He agreed to take me home and I waited for him in his car. I remember Jan walking out with him and I remember looking away as fast as I could. I refused to cry in front of her. I refused to show defeat.
I was silent the whole way home. When I finally made it to my room, I curled up in a ball and cried myself to sleep.
I had never been so humiliated and so heartbroken. No one has ever been that cruel to me in all my life, and that’s coming from the ex-wife of a adulterer. It hurt. It still hurts.
To better understand all of my feelings, keep in mind that up until 8th grade I was bullied by girls and I’ve had a difficult time getting over that. Being turned down in that way took me back to how I felt as a victim of bullying. It’s also worth noting that I was the type of girl in High School that could get anyone she wanted. If I had a crush on you, I was dating you a week later. Being turned down by the first girl I ever chased not only shattered my heart, but also my pride.
I stopped hanging out with people at school and I held back any feelings I had for girls I met after that night. I still, to this day, don’t tell girls how I feel. I don’t allow myself to get close. For this reason, I have not had any female friends in a long time. The closest thing to a girl that I’ve crushed on and told was a female-to-male transsexual. That and other things helped me discover that I am not bisexual, but pansexual.
“Pansexual? You getting freaky with pans, Zuu?” I’ve seriously been asked this before. “Pansexuality, or omnisexuality, is sexual attraction, sexual desire, romantic love, or emotional attraction toward people of all gender identities and biological sexes.” Gender and sexuality hold no weight on my romantic interests. I don’t see people for what they have in their pants, I see people for who they are. However, I am conflicted. I’m conflicted because when it comes to girls, I take note of the gender and shy away out of fear. I don’t get along with the majority of women and it’s not because they are ‘too catty’ or some other silly ‘girls-hate-girls’ reason, it’s because I don’t know how to act around them anymore.
Bullied. Broken. Stepped on. That’s what girls have done to me. You always hear about guys being too hesitant to talk to pretty girls they are interested in because they don’t have the confidence. Nothing that a little pep talk or some booze can’t fix, right? Well, that’s me. With Every… Single… Woman. If I’m around girls, I start drinking. It’s the only way I come out of my shell. I am a real life Koothrappali.
I can text. I can converse online -most- of the time. But, talking to women in person whether I’m romantically interested or not is not easy at all for me. I hate calling call centers because I don’t want to end up on the phone with another women. I always hope it’s a man. I’m like this everywhere. I would rather deal with men than women because I’m afraid that if it’s a woman I’m going to crawl back into my shell as a result of being hurt in some way or another. Something as trivial as the tone of their voice will cause me to do this.
This has also led to an issue with dominant women. If I feel like I’m being talked down to by a woman, I crumble. If it’s a man, I get rebellious and speak my mind.
See. I’m Complicated.
Jan later dated that girl she kissed. That girl later broke up with her and started dating my brother. What goes around…
Being on Twitter and in the Warcraft community has helped tremendously with my troubles. I reach out to women more often than I used to. I’m excited about the idea of being able to attend Blizzcon and meet everyone, though I’m sure I’ll be drinking to calm my nerves.
Thanks and /hugs to all of you, especially @clockwork_bells. If it weren’t for you, I would have never confronted myself about my feelings.
Love and Girl Love,