Today I just want to write. I need to write. There is so much in me that I need to get out.
I’m no stranger to change. I’ve grown accustomed to it. My life has been ruled by big change for a very long time. It’s a never-ending cycle prompted by decisions others have made for me or decisions I felt like I had no other choice but to make. For so very long now I’ve been living in someone else’s life. I’ve been extra weight. A trophy. An escape. A filler. I’ve been everything but me.
Last year when I wrote this, I was so lost. I went into it this new change carrying the weight of my past and all of the demons I was living with. I went into it with a hopeful, but false perspective.
As I’m walking around boxing up my memories and treasures, I’m reminded of how used to this I’ve become. Starting over. How often does one normally start over in their lifetime? I feel major change is constantly happening to me. Before, I’ve tried embracing it in place of fighting it. Now I’m numb. “Oh, this happens.” But does it? Does it really happen so much that you don’t know any other way? Is this what life is supposed to be? A constant confliction between the rewind and fast-forward buttons…?
I’m more hopeful than ever that this new change will be something I won’t regret. Something I can look back on five or ten years from now and be proud of, rather than looking back and trying to dissect the situation to figure out where I went wrong. I want to make an effort to focus more on myself and maybe then I won’t have so many regrets.
I’m excited about the new. I believe change will truly be good this time around as long as I take it a day at a time.
One day at a time…
One year later, nearly to the date, I’m looking back on this and dissecting what went wrong.
I left. I crumbled under pressure. I lost myself in the process. I focused so much on everything I was losing that I couldn’t move on. However, I needed that experience. I needed to fail so that when it really was time for me to be me, I would have a much better understanding of who I am. I would know how to just… be.
Last year was a lesson. It prepared me for what I’m going through now.
I’ve recently had to make the hardest decision I’ve ever made in my life. I don’t regret the outcome of that decision because I know that what’s happening is for the best. I don’t expect everyone to understand. I know I’m going to be judged. I also know that some people will understand and care and be by my side no matter what. If you’re the latter, thank you.
I’m not sure what the future will bring, but I know that any path I choose to take will be the right one for me and chosen only by me. I owe it to myself to be who I am and to be happy.
To the pursuit of happiness! *raises coffee mug*
This life’s our greatest project
The journey’s all an art
But I built my perfect nest, and it’s ‘bout to fall apart
Again and again and then I just I make it twice as high
And I give my tower teeth, and I watch it bite the sky
Because I might just cry if I don’t keep it moving
I focus on what I can make and not what just got ruined
-Cardboard Castles – Watsky