Time Travel Tuesday – Ramblings of a Teenager #1

Hey guys! It’s been a while. A week, actually. Last week I launched a new comic and had a pretty big Surviving Azeroth update that took up a lot of my time. All of that on top of some personal offline stuff that hit me, well you can understand why I failed to post anything.

I had a completely different post in mind today. I was going to write about the first song I ever wrote. However, while digging through my old folders to find the song, I stumbled across some terribly depressing journal entries. One is dated 3/2/2004 – written 10 years ago this month. The others are not dated, but judging by what they all say and the fact that I was on Livejournal by the summer of 2004, I’m guessing these were written as early as January 2003 and as late as May 2004.

I’ve decided to share one with you. Warning: Depression, suicide, & metaphorical pause button rant.

(PS: That’s ink on the page. Not blood.)

2014-03-04 09.19.48

2014-03-04 09.19.58

2014-03-04 09.20.08

27 year old me wants to take 16/17 year old me and just… I don’t even know. My heart hurts for her. How did no one around me see this? I don’t want to blame anyone, but the times I did manage to say “there is something wrong with me” out loud, my cry for help was blatantly ignored. “You’re a normal teenager. You’ll grow out of it.”

“I wish I had some awful, incurable disease so I would know I won’t have to live for long.”

Fantasizing about killing yourself, and at the level that I did, is NOT normal teen behavior. I needed help and no one around me saw it. No one.

I have a lot of anger towards the people that were in my life back then. Admittedly, forgiveness is not my greatest strength. I’m still working through it.

Listen to your kids. Listen to your friends. Listen to your students. All I wanted was for someone to listen; someone to understand. Someone to not blame my problems on me being a teenager.

If you’re a teenager suffering from depression or from drug abuse and you want out, there are people who want to help. If you want to talk, I want to help. zuulzilla@gmail.com

Love and Life,
Zuulzilla

One thought on “Time Travel Tuesday – Ramblings of a Teenager #1

  1. I feel so sad reading that, knowing that was your life that you had to endure back then. I don’t believe that parents of that generation realized all that was going on with their children. I don’t believe they had come to grips with all that this society of ours has dumped on kids, all the pressures, the onus of performing, and let’s not even get to the bullying. I had to deal with a lot, at an early age, when people found out I was a lesbian. It tore my family up, and I caught all manner of hell over it at home and school. I never had to deal with drugs, too scared of them to even try, but oh the loneliness and the persecution. I can’t possibly know what you felt, and I wouldn’t try to say I understood it. That would be horribly condescending.

    But I do want to say that I am happy that I was able to read this today. I am happy because it means that you are alive and able to post it. I am happy because you made it through that dark period of your life and are not in such a better place for having made it. I am happy because I know that you will never, ever ignore or minimize any concerns of your daughter; because you understand what growing up in this world means now. I am happy because you have the life you deserve now, one of happiness and fulfillment. I’m happy because I get to know the person you are. You are a brave, and wonderful person for sharing these insights. You help us to think, and learn about ourselves as well. *hugs tight*

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